We all know the definition of a "Dear John," someone writing a letter telling someone they're letting go. This is mine to my rapist. This is my "Dear John."

Dear John,
     The very thought of you has caused me pain for a very long time now.
The evil inside you, 

must be extreme to be able to do what you did.
To be able to pin someone down,
and take from them something they'll never be able to get back.

For a long time i had pity for myself.
I would think, poor me.
Poor girl who was raped.
Poor me, whose now messed up, 

and so far from the perfect life she thought she had. 

But now I can see, truly see, i was so wrong.

Don't you see it too? Don't you also see the truth?

Not poor me, not poor me at all, but John, poor, poor, you.

Poor John who is consumed by something sick and twisted, 

something that makes you think so little of yourself that you had to take advantage;

that you had to use yourself against a little girl- because that is what i was-

to feel powerful; to feel better about yourself.

Poor you, for it isn't my life that you messed up, but your own.

And maybe not today, nor tomorrow, will you see what you've done. 

And maybe you won't in this life at all.
But I promise you this, the consequences will come for you,

and they will be much worse than anything you have ever, put me through.

I pity you now, John. 

I feel beyond, so sorry for you now.

Let me explain something to you.

I am so strong.

I can do hard things, and for that I wish to thank you.

Though in every painful, tormenting, heart wrenching experience, 

I can get tired, and it can get hard, and I can want to give up. I'm not saying I am now invincible.

But I'm saying when i feel these pains, and exhaustion's,

I can tell myself, because I know, I have accomplished much harder things than this.

And for that, I wish to thank you.

I am forever strong because of you.

Many for quite sometime told me I needed to forgive you. 

At first, and for a while, that weighed heavy on me.

It in fact angered me. 

I was going through the hardest time of my life, you had suffered no consequences, 

and yet I was supposed to forgive you?

I couldn't help but think that was incredibly unfair.

I had so much anger, and hatred in my heart, that I thought it to be impossible.

Before I go on, I will say this, John:

One day this will all hit you. 

You suddenly will feel it and see and understand what you did,

what you did to a little fifteen year old girl, who did nothing, but love you. 

I know more than anyone, whether you admit it or not, because I know you're too proud to admit it,

you will be overwhelmed with remorse.

It will eat you. You will go through emotional turmoil like never before.

But this is it, this is what this letter is for. I must tell you, John,

no longer will I suffer this pain.

I no longer will be wasting my time on you.

I have healed. 

I'm not saying this no longer hurts, but I am saying I no longer mourn over it.

I can now breathe, and I can move on.

You are no longer to blame for my pain.

John, my rapist, I forgive you.

And no longer am I wasting my time on you, or thinking about what you did to me.

One day you will see you only hurt yourself.

I wish you no ill, for I know your suffering is and forever will be much more than mine.

But I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you.

John, I forgive you long before you ever apologize.

I wish for you all to be able to let go of any anger, caused by anyone, for yourself. I promise it feels better than any apology could. 

Healing.

                I was only fifteen when the life, I thought, I had always wanted got handed to me. As a sophomore I was taking pre calculus and not doing half bad. I was on two all-star (competitive) cheer teams. And to top that off my coach liked me so much he had me coach the little kids’ team at our gym. My boyfriend was a guy that many girls drooled over. He was a senior and seemed to have a lot going for him. Daily, girls would tell me how jealous they were or how lucky I was. I guess I should’ve felt lucky; I had everything I thought I had ever wanted.  But lucky I did not feel, because you see there are secrets behind getting everything you want. For starters, I was bulimic- that doesn’t even explain it. I wouldn’t eat, but when my mom would force me to eat, I would throw it up. My coach/boss was aware of my problem, but he was my biggest encouragement. Every time I would come out of the bathroom he would ask me if I had been throwing up and when I would say yes, he would give me a high five and tell me to keep up the good work. Every time I needed to do homework and I had to miss practice my coach would just tell me to come in and he would call a girl in to do my home work for me while I practiced. And the boyfriend, the “dream boyfriend” as many girls called him. At one point I remember a girl told us we were the perfect couple. Looking back I don’t know how they could think that. There wasn’t a day he didn’t remind me how lucky I was. He treated me as less than a human, and quickly I believed that I was worthless. I finally broke up with him, but never quite felt healed. One day, I told my friend about what had happened a month before in his backseat. I told her of how I continued to tell him to stop. Her face grew pale, and her words softer. She confirmed that it had been rape. Within ten seconds of her saying that, I knew my life was over. Within ten seconds of her saying that, I knew my life was nowhere near I had wanted it to be at fifteen.
                So where am I now? I told my mom about what happened. With tears in her eyes she embraced me and I could feel that we both knew nothing would be quite the same again. Seven months later, I am a different person. Cheer was the first thing to go. And then everything else followed. I don’t go to school anymore; I do independent study through the school. It’s easier not having to always have a brave face on. I go to counseling. Yes, at –now sixteen- I see a therapist. It started off as one day a week, and now is just one day a month.
                My first trip to counseling was great. I decided it wasn’t terrible and maybe it was good to let some stuff off my chest. By my third trip, I had gone on in detail to my therapist about the traumatic night everything happened. Little did I know that triggered something, knowing all the details she had to do something. When I came in for my next appointment, she told me she had to report everything that happened since he was eighteen. Terror struck and I thought I was going to die. She said I would most likely have to take him to court. I couldn’t stand it, he was my biggest fear. He was a pathological liar, and I knew in front of a jury he would make sure I came out looking like the bad guy. I cried, and cried. Although I wanted him caught, and didn’t want this to ever happen to another girl, I couldn’t do it. This would back track all my progress and put me back at stage one; broken. One night the police man working my case called. My dad talked to him and police man closed the case; I didn’t have to go to court. At first there was relief. But I still feel guilty; I know he’s out there free and can get away with this. I wanted revenge.
                A month later, I went to get checked for AIDS. We explained to the doctor the situation. He was a family friend, and you could see in his eyes he too was sorry. He told me something I will never forget, that to this day I can still hear resounding in my head. He said that my revenge; my sweet victory, will be to be happy. It will be to move on in life and not let this define me. That every day I will wake up hoping to make the world a better place, and to not let this ruin me.  Many of the doctor’s nurses had heard my story and as I was leaving three of them hugged me and told me their story. Three women in one office had each been raped at one point in their life. Each was raped by someone they knew, someone they had trusted. And that’s the problem; we all associate sexual assault with the creepy guy in the back alley. We all never think the boyfriend that says he loves us, the boss who seems like the nicest guy, or the friendly man at church would or could do something so terrible to us. But that’s just it. They can! They get into our lives; they- as many predators have said – groom us. It is more likely someone you know will rape you, than a stranger on the street. Hearing all their stories made me feel not so alone, and for the first time in a long time I felt a sliver of hope.
                Healing; that’s all I can do now. Take everything one day at a time and heal. So I try every day to maybe stand taller, maybe let today be the day to try and trust again. One day at a time can NOT be emphasized enough. Today might be easy, or today might be harder. But the main thing is to keep going. To keep looking at tomorrow, to keep pushing through all the pain. And one day you’ll feel it start. You’ll get a piece of you back, and I’m not saying suddenly you’ll be better. But I promise that you’ll heal; eventually we all will heal. 
                 And that’s who this is for, the ones who are healing. This is for those of you who have ever had your heart broken by someone you love; I promise someone even better will come along. This is for those of you who have ever had an eating disorder; I promise it’s not worth it, that you are so much better than that. This is for those who have ever been stabbed in the back; I promise you are not alone there’s someone out there looking for a friend just like you. This is for those of you who have ever felt worthless; I promise with all my heart, your heart would not be beating if there wasn’t a purpose for it. This is for those out there looking a better chance, better luck, a better life; I promise it will come, maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not even this week, but I promise just keep looking up, and your better day will come. This is for those who have ever been miserable, and I mean- got kicked to the ground and every time you try to stand back up, you get kicked back down- kind or miserable; I promise one day when you stand back up you will be to strong, to great to be kicked back down.  This is to those of you who have ever been sexually assaulted; my heart goes out to you when I promise this, you will succeed, you will be strong and okay. If you have not told someone yet, please do, it will help so much.  And this is to those of you who have ever wanted to end your precious life; I promise you, I know how that feels, but if you fight if you give tomorrow a second chance you will find it is worth it. Because each and every one of us in this big world, is worth tomorrow. I promise.